New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
