apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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