the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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