The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
