hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
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I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
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When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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