I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
They left me at home... I'm a liability
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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