If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
