I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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