nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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