Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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