Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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