i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
