I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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