Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
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