then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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