Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
