I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
