Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
