Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Sext me about skeletons
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
