watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...