pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
