I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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