alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
