so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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