So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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