it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
