I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
