I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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