Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
