I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
