I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
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WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
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They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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