I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
