Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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