i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
