I bet he comes in French.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
