Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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