So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
