do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
