Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
