onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
