I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Randomize
