I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
