Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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