Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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