it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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