this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
