my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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