In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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