I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
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