life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
