there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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