i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
