My cat gives me a boner
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Randomize
