Already got asked if we're dating
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
