Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
