at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
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I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
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Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Please don't give away my fajitas
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