if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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