my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
