My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
